A New Way to Heal from Domestic Abuse

Written by Nilanjana Haldar

 

Disclaimer: This script is not only intended for women but also for men who are often the victims of domestic abuse

 

“You have forgotten that every situation in your life is created by you. The moment a statement like this triggers you to deny it that itself shows you haven’t realized who you are! You are a powerful creator of your life.”

 

I think one of the most valuable gifts you can give to yourself is taking time to be fully present and listen to what your life really is about–to understand that the psychological replay that is clouding your mind, right now, is illusory, in other words, non-existent!

 

Now domestic violence is intensely brutal, and I agree that there is every reason to walk away from that relationship.

But, that should not be the first step. The first step is only and only one thing–understanding who you are and surpassing the ego-talk and ego-emotions in your mind! The first step is using this experience of being abused and going beyond the curtain of abuse and seeing yourself for what you really are.

 

I will pose you with a question that might stir you up a bit.

(This question applies not only to the ones being verbally abused at home but the ones who are being physically abused)

Before you even plan on exercising the law or domestic violence helplines out there, you have to realize this:-

 

You might call your abuser egoistic. But have you ever asked if your own ego is at play here as well? 

Firstly, let me define what ego is–ego is the sum of all that which you call as your own self–pictures of yourself, concepts of yourself,  thoughts about yourself, all the different things you identify yourself with, all the people, trophies, degrees, money and fame, failure, pride, your emotions that you identify yourself with. Ego is a complete false self which you are continually labeling as who you really are. Why I say this is because it is a false self, that it is something superficial. Who you really are is deep down inside you.

 

The function of this ego is that it continually tries to stay in a safe place and is always primed for flight or fight.

So, you may say that the person is trying to overpower you, dominate you, hurt you. The moment you say, “I am hurt,” that is your ego speaking out loud. The ego can get hurt, not your true self, which is deep inside of you. If you are injured and you are reading this article in a state of despair, I am here to tell you, that is your ego, which is saying so, which is a 100% false self—recall what I wrote in the previous paragraph about ego. It is just a bunch of acquisitions in your life which are now stored inside your mind. They only exist in your mind—the pride, the fame, the emotions, the thoughts, etc. So, the truth is this very ego is protecting itself because now it feels like all its acquisitions are being taken away.

 

I have spent my entire childhood in a house of abuse—frequent, non-stop violence against my own mother. And because of that, I had been replaying the same cycle of abuse in my mind. So, years later, after I took hypnotic therapy, meditation, yoga, and months and months of counselling to heal myself, I realized the truth–that the violence at home was an enormous gift!

This is because it forced me to surpass my ego into who I really am!

 

Who you are is a spiritual being! Not your thoughts, not your ‘Hurt-ego’,  not ‘the-feeling-of-been-threatened’ (which is also a thought), not ‘the-feeling-of-being-ashamed’ (which is also a thought), not “the-feeling-of-anger” (which is a thought/emotion of rage), not the feeling of powerlessness (which is both an emotion and a thought)—you are a mighty human being whether you believe it or not, at the moment. You go far beyond every single belief in your mind.

 

Eckhart Tolle is a German-born spiritual teacher and is the bestselling author of The Power of Now and A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. He says this—>

“What a liberation it is to realize that the voice in my head is not who I am. Who am I, then? The one who sees that.”

 

The following story is something that you can relate to, something to shake your perspective on domestic abuse :-

 

You are a victim of domestic violence, right? So, basically, you are being bullied at home. I was being helplessly bullied in a different environment —my medical department. So, I believe my story of triumph, although in another setting, will inspire you with answers to the similar setting in your life. This is because the bullying was an unavoidable, daily constant for me, as is the one for you at your home. Let me share with you how self-empowerment worked for me at a place where every single senior I worked with, collaborated in a unified front to bully me. It could drive home the necessity of self-empowerment in a bullying-environment of any kind. 

 

Firstly, I wasn’t happy having the job in the Ophthalmology department in PGIMER, Chandigarh. I was utterly at war with myself the whole time—-and despite the thoughts of confusion, what was winning was the voice that always kept telling me, “You Need to Love What You Have Chosen as Your Subject.” Now, that really coincides with an inaudible warning from your soul because soul, as I learned 3 years later, speaks through feelings. If you feel good about something, you are headed in the right direction of your life, and if you aren’t, you aren’t (this is applicable for the job you take, the person you live with, etc.) I knew I didn’t feel good inside, and despite that, I chose to walk ahead with all the confusion in my mind. Over the years, I have learned that using a mindset of lack-of-clarity at work is like operating heavy cutting machinery, not having read the readers’ manual.

 

I learned much later that the feelings you harbor inside you draw to itself situations that match its frequency. Gregg Braden, who is the pioneer for bridging science and spirituality; B.K. Shivani, a famous spiritual leader from Society of Brahma Kumaris; scientist and author, Bruce Lipton; spiritual leader, Michael Beckwith and many other spiritual leaders out there preach this truth over and over again, through different languages and scripts.

 

Moreover, I hail from a home of domestic violence and carried the complete baggage of unhealed trauma from my childhood. This baggage comprised guilt, self-loathe, fear, insecurity, self-consciousness, people-pleasing tendencies amongst others. I have made my peace with my past, now, after all these years, but, back then, I had absolutely no clue why I was so feeble at handling workplace bullying, why the stings of criticism and disapproving words directed towards me, appeared at least 10 times more magnified as compared to my batchmates.

 

And then the mistakes at work began!

And the bullying started. Teachers, senior colleagues, batch colleagues, each and every professor, every single person began bullying me. And while the other colleagues of mine were strictly dealt with as well, I noticed that none of them ever felt as paranoid as I did. I saw that they didn’t take the strictness seriously, they shrugged it off their shoulders quickly. They were mainly a lot more “confident, happy-minded” than I was. For me it was like a vicious cycle that had been spun, a sequence that was constantly perpetuating itself:

I was a complete mess in my head—so I felt terrible—so I worked without passion or motivation—so I made too many errors at work (which is acceptable to an extent because you are learning also) and was criticized and scolded again—so, I imbibed it quickly being unempowered from within—so, the errors at work increased—this invited more bullying.

 

Once I was humiliated for a mistake of mine in front of many other doctors inside the operation theatre. I was wounded beyond repair at that point. I was labeled as one at a standard lower than everybody else. And it wasn’t just said by one teacher, it was repeated by the other two who sat there right next to me. I had never endured this level of insult ever before in my life! Now, that is real bullying!

 

So, how did I turn it around?

 

Amid all the bullying, there came a time when there was nothing I could lean onto for support. I was wounded, sad, and hurt, and I simply couldn’t feel better in any way. When I reached that point in my life when I was stripped off every last bit of ‘dignity,’ I had around me, and I was left with no other option but to turn inwards, inside me, that’s when my journey towards self-discovery began.

 

The answer came as:

Well, the so-called ‘dignity’ is gone now. I have nothing to lose!

 

If I had nothing to lose, I had everything to win. So, I fought back. I literally went and complained against the authorities even though I knew that would be viewed as an offense (juniors protesting against seniors is considered to be an offense!)

My so-called “dignity” (in other words, ‘Ego’) had gone, the fear had vanished. I had evolved into something else—someone close to the invincible!

 

Now that we have defined “Ego” and how your ego is involved with this, let us identify the second valuable word R-E-S-P-O-N-S-I-B-I-L-I-T-Y. Understanding and applying this was my number solution to healing from my bitter past, and I know I am largely healed now.

 

What is “Responsibility”?

 

I give enormous thanks to a friend of mine from ‘Mindvalley tribe’ and Sadhguruji, (the world-class Indian yogi, owner of Isha Yoga Centre), to have helped me understand this deeply, and enabling me to seize back my power to do things no matter what the circumstances around me are like.

 

According to Sadhguruji:

You have ‘Responsibility’ once life beats in you. You are responding to life, isn’t it?

So, you understand responsibility as a compulsive activity. No! That is wrong!

Responsibility: Response + Ability

You can respond.

Replaying all this psychology of ‘I-am-hurt,’ ‘This-is-my-ill-luck,’ ‘I-am-powerless-in-front-of-him,’ have you changed anything, I am asking?

Nothing! Isn’t it?

Isn’t it better to retain your ability to respond? Whether there is action in your hands or not!

If you see yourself as ‘I am responsible,’ you will become responsible for action——the moment you say that there is a possibility to heal.

If you see yourself as “I am not responsible, he is,” you will become incapable of action.

If you see some situation is there, some hopeless situation out there, right now, in the society, if you say “I am responsible,” you may take little action, it may be a small thing right now. But even this negligible act may become a solution.

If you think that I am not responsible, even that little action will not come out of you.”

 

This is highly applicable to the victims of domestic abuse. The rants that are right now running in your head might be like ‘He-is-to-blame-for-my-depression’, ‘He-is-a-shameful-prick’, ‘He-makes-me-feel-humiliated’ etc. You will know once you hear them!

 

Each and every one of these thoughts is the equivalent of a choice. That choice is one of not taking responsibility for the issue you are dealing with and instead shifting the blame to another.

 

You may choose to contradict me at this point, but, like it or not, this is true, your ‘comfort-loving-ego’ has shifted the responsibility of bringing a change at home onto the abuser.

No! No! That is absolutely not how it works!

 

It always starts with you–the way you think followed by the way you act!

 

Perhaps I can explain better with my example here:-

When I was in Mindvalley hypnotherapy tribe where we were required to share our step-by-step healing-experiences with the tribe members so that we could learn from each other’s experiences, I remember I was constantly shifting all the blame of my overthinking, guilt, and fear onto my miserable, unhealthy childhood, and in turn, shifting all the blame towards my parents. I remember I used to post things like, “My parents raised me in an abusive home. Father used to slap my mother over and over again. I saw my mother cry over and over again. Now, I know that is not me. I am a loveable individual despite all these experiences of my childhood.”

 

Do you see how faulty this style of expression is?!

So, some of my tribe members pointed out that my thoughts were contradictory—on one hand I was blaming my parents for the childhood I had, for the self-loathe, and neediness I had acquired as an adult; on the other hand I was trying to connect to my true self—-which is a pillar of love, source energy, and peace.

I was contradicting myself! How on earth could I heal by denying myself?!

Its common sense—I couldn’t. I was stuck in one place!

It is like setting rocks over a paper-boat, hoping it will stay afloat and dry.

 

The moment my awareness was drawn to the folly in my perception, I not only felt relieved having found an answer as to why I wasn’t healing, but I was able to make the switch from the thinking-process-of-a-victim to that of a responsible person–one who took charge of her life no matter what. With this newfound awareness, I became committed to making that leap in my journey from one of powerlessness to one where everything straightened up in my favor, despite the challenges. Because the more responsibility one takes on herself, the more opportunities she draws towards her.

Remember the definition of ‘taking responsibility’ as ‘Response+Ability.’

It is the ability to respond.

It doesn’t mean you are assuming the blame on yourself, it doesn’t mean the actions you will take now will drastically change your partner. But this shift in awareness grants you the lushness of a gift—-now that you are responsible, you

have the power to change the matter, you are no longer viewing your situation from a victim mindset. Whether it will take a lot of work, a lot of self-development work, a lot of courage or not isn’t what I am referring to, I am merely referring to the shift in that mindset of having gained all the power now.

Now you are ready to take the future steps—divorce, or working-things-out, approaching the abuser assertively stating how their behavior is affecting you or simply walking away from the relationship.

 

Sadhguruji (Jagdish Vasudev) once recounted a story in trying to explain the concept of taking responsibility (I find this highly relevant for the ones facing violence at home)—>

 

He said,  

“I was just walking on the beach today. Some ladies who had come for a walk, you know, well-to-do….they were standing out there cleaning the beach and picking up all the plastics——we have done an enormous amount of job like this wherever we go. I was thrilled, Madras beaches have always been a horrible place. Yes! You can’t put your feet anywhere. Now, somebody who’s walking in that place has taken up the responsibility of cleaning. It doesn’t mean that the whole of the Tamil Nadu coast will become clean tomorrow morning. No!

But, this well-to-do woman who is responsible for cleaning up the place every day, I am sure that tomorrow, even the fishermen will hesitate to shit in this place. He will find a little some other place for himself. Yes? He will. Because there is humanity in everybody. It is just that you have to stir it up.”

 

 

Only when you have genuinely understood your real power (and not merely tried convincing others about it), that’s when you take the next step!

 

Of course, abuse is not something anybody deserve but let us define your abuser differently—this person is an enormous teacher in your life. At this point, you are supposed to go deep within yourself and realize the truth—that you are not your thoughts, your emotions, you are merely an observer of them.

 

That there is an infinite source of abundance lying deep inside you.

 

That your abuser really has no power over you!!

They only think they have power over you, and you only believe it to be true!

Guess what? It’s not! You have absolute power over your life, and you haven’t realized it yet!

 

A dialogue by Michael Bernard Beckwith seems highly relevant here.

Michael Bernard Beckwith is a New Thought minister, author, and founder of the Agape International Spiritual Center in Beverly Hills, California, a New Thought church with a congregation estimated over 8,000 members. Here’s a script of his interview with Oprah Winfrey, who is an American media executive, actress, talk show host, television producer, and philanthropist:

 

Oprah Winfrey asks him I think about people who are in circumstances that are not as good as mine and yours. Is it possible to light your vision when you are at the bottom?

 

Michael Bernard Beckwith replies, “Not only is it possible, but that’s also probably the best time to do it. When circumstances and situations are pressing in upon us, the only way we can overcome them is to go within, to actually begin to ask ourselves very empowering questions, with the awareness that the universal presence and this law will answer any question that you request it. So if you are in a situation that is pressing on you, you ask, “What is trying to emerge in my life? What is my gift to share?

What is my purpose?

Why am I here on the planet?

Not just,

‘How can I pay my rent?’, and not only, ‘How can I stop the pain?‘”

Which aren’t wrong questions, but aren’t important ones either.

You ask the universe empowering questions, and the universe will answer these questions in a language and in a way that you can understand —there will be inner prompting, intuitive hits, nudges, signs, symbols, dreams, it will come in the language of the individual’s soul and heart.

The difficulty is that when people are in tough situations, they ask disempowering questions, like;

What’s wrong?

Who’s to blame?

Why me?

Those are the disempowering questions.

So, the universe will answer the exact same way.

It will draw from the universal database of human experience and say,

“You were born on the wrong side of the track/ you were born on that side of the track, so this happened or what happened, etc.”

Basically, it will give you a bevy of excuses.

But if you ask empowering questions, like “How can I use this situation to grow far beyond it and rise to my truest self?”, you will find answers that help you rise above the muck!”

So, it is all about the sincerity of the question and then, the ability and the willingness to only listen.”

 

 

Violence At Home Has a Spectrum

 

I need you to analyze the violence at your home as one that can have a whole variety of solutions:-

 

Solution 1:

If your violence at your home is related to verbal abuse, you need to give your partner a chance to change — When your partner is in a good mood, walk up to him (or her) and tell the person how you felt. Ask the person direct questions like, “Were you trying to hurt me?” Don’t yell, ask calmly.

 

If your partner is someone who would like to make a change or whose intent is pure, he or she will definitely put an effort to change. If he/she is someone who never had to intent to hurt you but ended up yelling at you, he or she might make a choice to change themselves in future disputes.

 

If he continues to lash out at you, it means this person isn’t right for you, and you have to empower yourself and ultimately walk away.

 

Solution 2:

Violence in the form of physical abuse is unacceptable. You have to walk away from such a person. Such violence shows this person is seriously contemptuous of who you are as an individual.

 

 

Could Your Energy be Contributing to the Persistence of Violence at Home?!

We are not blaming you, simply asking you to try focusing on the good in the person and forgiving and seeing if that brings about a change. As hard as this sounds, forgiveness, releasing doubt, and suspicion can elevate your vibrational energy to the point where you disarm the abuser you live with, and while he yells, he withdraws from his negative behavior just as quickly, with time. But that higher vibrational energy of yours now shines through and reaches out to your spouse.

 

I will give the example of my father here. He has been abusive towards everybody in the family. However, with regards to my brother and me, the intent is always pure, even though he abused us. However, such ongoing abuse can create an environment of negativity at home. So, I decided to elevate my vibrational energy when he abused me and see what happened after that.

 

 Here’s the story-

 

“It was dad’s birthday, so I had gone out to get him a cake from the shop. Eventually, I decided I wouldn’t buy him any cake but make him one, so I got the assortments and began making it at home (ensuring he didn’t find out because he keeps creeping into the kitchen every now and then).

After the batter was made, I set it in the oven and went to the living room. There, he yelled extremely loudly at me for an honest mistake I had made in the afternoon when I was focusing on some work and hadn’t heard any knock on the door because I had been on earphones ( which helped to drown the voices when I work). 

I must tell you that I listen to music when I write because it helps me concentrate better. So I had been doing that before leaving for the cake shop. The reason why my father yelled after the cake was put in the oven was because he couldn’t gain access to my room and he chose not to believe when I said that I was on earphones and didn’t hear the door bang (which was something that happened earlier in the day and made him draw conclusions. He recollected that rage he felt, later in the evening after I got the cake in the oven)

He yelled at me so loudly and poorly, I fled to the kitchen, trying my level best to ignore. I couldn’t. I broke down. I cried and released. Then I felt an enormous rage because I thought this could happen again, and he was treating me the exact way as he treated my mother. 

I began preparing a message for him, trying to tell him not to speak with disrespect ever again. 

In the middle of writing that message, an insight struck me—— I asked myself what was the best way to handle this issue. Immediately I found the answer-RELEASE the resentment! That’s not me! 

I thought a little more, and I realized that for me to attract a genuinely happy life in the future, I would have to start feeling it every day now, and holding on to this sadness and resentment will only push me away from it.

So I deleted the message and relaxed and smiled again. 

I admit it was very tough to do this. As someone who hails from narcissistic surroundings, my defenses are always up. Almost always, I feel the need to raise my guard up.

But that’s unhealthy, unconscious, and immature!

So while making this shift was hard, it was so much worth it! 

After I finished baking the cake, I meditated and brought myself to the present moment and released all the hatred, and it was gone 🙂

I know it is essential to judge the parent’s intent, which I believe is pure. Somehow, yelling is very difficult to handle, especially when you are inclined to say, “I am baking the cake for you, and you are treating me this way,” and yet it is possible to take the higher road and realize that is so much more mature than yelling back.

If everything is energy, why to cling on to negative energy! 🙂

 

Later, in the evening, father and I had a happy time together, and his anger had vanished entirely. While earlier in the evening, he was fuming with rage, my bright vibrational energy had wholly altered the mood at home.”

 

 

 

This point I will reinforce again through B.K. Shivani’s words. B.K. Shivani is a teacher at the Brahma Kumaris World Spiritual University. The reference to this talk is in the link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9zfrJWc1d0&t=216s

 

She was asked the following question by a person

 

“How to help a lady who asks, “How do I keep living with a person 24 hours once he has betrayed me and my mind keeps on troubling? What must I do?

 

B.K. Shivani said—“She is the one who is creating that pain!”

 

The person replies in confusion  How is that possible? Isn’t it true that any person on earth, no matter how spiritual they must have been, will definitely feel very, very hurt when betrayed.”

 

B.K. Shivani replied—> “And then when we doubt that the other person, that they can do it again, we are creating that same energy of negativity (negative vibrational energy) as them.

In any relationship, we are often faced with disputes and conflicts, and they are saying that they will not do it again, or we are in that relationship because we feel that they will not do it again. And yet, at the same time, we create this thought, ‘What if they do it again?’ which means, ‘What if I hurt again?! What if I pain again.’ And this thought is a quality of negative vibrations, and these negative vibrations are already there in the relationship and are definitely inside us. Then, my energy is not of trust anymore; it is of suspicion, doubt, lack of clarity, fear, and continuously radiating it towards the other person. 

 

So first and foremost, I am creating this thing inside of me, and then I am radiating it to the other person.

When you radiate suspicion to the other person continuously, your relationship is standing on a very fragile foundation.”

 

 

 

My Solution Tips for However Deeply Ruthless your Violence Is this:

 

Understanding that you are a soul of boundless potential. Look at the picture below and get it. This “hurt ego-self” of yours is just something on the surface, THAT IS ALL IT IS—a superficial scale that can be scrapped off.

Maybe this will help you realize you are a spirit of boundless potential, and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING/ NOBODY has the power to take that away from you. So, necessarily, you are really to taking steps to claim your life.

 

It is for this reason that you must definitely walk away from people who pull you down

It is for this reason that you must wake up every morning and remind yourself the truth about your greatness—the truth about that shinning ball of energy inside of you, and the reality that states that you are not what other people say you are, that you are everything YOU SAY YOU ARE.

 

So, if you identify with the hurt-ego, that’s who you are!

Instead, if you CHOOSE TO IDENTIFY with your soul, you will say, “I am abundant, and I will make my life just the way I want it to be. Nobody decides my life. I do. I love myself for everything I am, and I no longer wait for the other person to love me. I am ready to claim my life back wholly.

 

 

 

Now I do agree domestic violence is tricky when it comes to leaving that spouse of yours, i.e., if you have decided that this person is genuinely deriving pleasure by inflicting hurt on you.

There are three parts to the solution:-

 

Part 1: Empower Yourself

I recommend meditation. Pick a time when your spouse is asleep. An ineffective meditational technique will ask you to sit in a yogic posture and keep your back erect and stop all your thoughts. 

I will give you a better plan. Sit with your back erect, close your eyes and simply let go. How? You ask! Let go of the need to control your mind. Let go of the need to strain while breathing, let go of the need to force negative thoughts out of your head. Let go of the need to ‘let go.’ Just be everything you are at that point, with all your negative, and positive thoughts, and imperfections. You will notice that when you allow yourself to just be, and you are no longer resisting your negative thoughts, you will see the beauty of that moment. At that moment, you will realize that you aren’t the mental chatter inside your head, that even amid all that mental chatter, you are free, you are at peace.

And at that moment, you can simply observe your thoughts as if you were an outsider.

 

Then, without straining at all, simply shift your focus on your breath (Mind you, I said, “Without straining”). Watch the breath slowly go in and then slowly go out.

Do it every day. If you aren’t in the practice of meditation, I recommend you can start initially with two minutes of exercise, then gradually increase the timing. Slowly increase it to 20 minutes. The more you do, the better. Don’t do it with expectations. Just do it! Every day!

 

How this is helpful is over time (after having practiced for a while), you no longer identify yourself with the negative ‘mental chatter’ in your head, which is flared up by the abuser. So, meditation allows you to observe your thoughts, knowing you aren’t your thoughts, you are merely an observer of your thoughts.

 

I recommend doing this early morning if possible before your abuser is awake. That way, your entire way will be primed with a mindset that is no longer a slave to the thoughts that form inside you when you are abused. You can just look at the thought and see it for what it is—thoughts, only!

 

As you get more and more integrated with your meditation experience, I want you to add something to it. That is, actual sentences of empowerment. And every time you utter them, you must know it is the truth!

 

Say in silence-

I am enough just the way I am

I deserve the best

I am an amazing, gorgeous human being

I am right now touching upon the universal and infinite power vested inside of me

I am boundless and free and will always be so

 

Part 2: Divorce

(Only after you have empowered yourself secretly)

 

If the spouse you are living with has refused to change his behavior towards you, it is time for your to make a move.

 

Now, here, I am going to recommend a book to you.

It is named Surviving Domestic Violence: Voices of Women Who Broke Free written by Elaine Weiss.

 

https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Domestic-Violence-Voices-Women/dp/1884244270/ref=olp_product_details?_encoding=UTF8&me=

 

However, if you are reluctant to read books, and because it is a bit expensive, I will still quote a line from this book

 

(Full credit for it goes to this astounding author named Elaine Weiss)

Remember, this book is about the stories of twelve women who, despite all odds, broke free from their violent homes of domestic violence and never looked back. They escaped from their abusers, reclaimed their dignity, reconstructed their lives, and rediscovered peace. 

 

Because a lot of Indian women treasure their familial culture, religion, and upraise society’s distorted perception and the disapproval of divorce as the principle of the highest decree, I would love to quote some lines here that will fire-charge you to take the next step towards walking away from this abusive marriage. This line is about one of these twelve women in Elaine Weiss’ book:-

 

I am too grounded in my religion, and thought divorce was out of the question. I need to stay on the course I had chosen: to divorce and start a new life. Although the prospect of being a middle-aged mother of three teenagers who have not worked outside the home for 14 years is a bit scary, living with him is scarier still. I pray that God will provide me the ability to take care of my family and that someday I will be able to help another woman in need.

—by Elaine Weiss, author of Surviving Domestic Violence: Voices of Women Who Broke Free

 

 

Now, tell me, if this woman who was robust in her faith in religion and society, chose to break free, why wouldn’t you?

 

If you are carrying children at home, I must warn you of the ill-effects of such violence on the child, whether you hide it from her or not. The child at your violent home might look it as an unaffected bystander. Being such a child myself and having used my own experience as a case study, I have learned the exact extent of damage that sliced through the sanity I was untrusted with having arrived in this world. Your child is acquiring anger, guilt, fear, depression (just like my brother and me). Many of these kids cry after retreating to their own homes.

 

Remember, children model their parents, not what you teach them. The females model their mothers. The males usually model their fathers. But that can be variable.

The point is if you aren’t taking charge of your life by walking away from that relationship of yours, neither you nor your spouse is modeling any healthy behavior to the child and he is going to invariably acquire it all and, with it, the entire chain of self-deprecating emotions which will challenge him right into his adult years even (Recall the story I shared earlier about how I felt about being bullied at work).

 

So, you understand the importance of taking charge of your life and securing yourself a job that pays you, an apartment after that, and then walking away.

I will recommend you Priya Florence Shah’s blog page on domestic violence. She gives excellent practical tips in it about what you can do before you divorce. 

Here is a link to that page: https://www.naaree.com/domestic-violence-helplines-india/

 

At this point, I must tell you why I first asked you to spend some months getting to know your authentic self–your infinite soul, the boundless energy of the soul. Why did I ask you to empower yourself over and over again, first?

 

Because, when you begin to break free from a violent abuser, he might pull all sorts of manipulative tactics to overpower you and pull you back. If you have habituated yourself with the ‘Empowerment Tips’ before taking a step towards walking away, you are no longer going to be affected by this person’s manipulative tactics. Should his tactics begin affecting you, I recommend following the empowerment-tactics all over again. Don’t stress! Relax! His tactics reflect the fragility in his sense of self (which is ego-based), where he can’t handle the fact that you are choosing to claim your life.

 

Empowering words you can use at this point are–

I am proud of what I am doing for my life.

I am joyous and abundant in my life.

I deserve the best.

His display of negativity is a reflection of who he is, not me

I am ready to create my life exactly as I want to

 

Part 3: Continue empowering yourself for the rest of your life

This person could try to return back to your life multiple times after you have left him.

He might even spy on you!

Relax!

Nothing to fear! This is something narcissists do.

 

I experienced something like it with a narcissistic friend recently.

I feared initially, but she kept coming back. Later, the only solution I could find was to meditate, journal, and go within myself through meditation to realize my real power. So, I finally shrugged away the fear, which was not me.

 

After I did all that, that I stopped caring if she came back or not.

I have completely moved on.

 

Part 4: In the end, forgive him 100%.

Because our souls are all one. Holding bitterness against another is like poison for yourself. Release the hatred and tell yourself, “I hope he stays happy wherever he is. I need not go back to him. I deserve my life and the complete peace that comes with forgiveness.”

 

I will leave with an excerpt on ‘relationships’ from the international best-selling book, Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsh. I highly recommend this book to everybody stuck in any form of pain.

 

Neale asks him: ”When will I learn about relationships to be able to help them go smoothly?

Is there a way to be happy in relationships, or must they be constantly challenging?”

 

God answers: “You have nothing to learn about relationships. You have only to

 demonstrate what you already know. There is a way to be happy in

 relationships. And that is to use connections for their intended purpose. The purpose you have designed. Relationships are continually challenging, continually calling you to create and experience higher and higher aspects of yourself, grandeur, and grandeur visions of yourself. Evermore magnificent visions on yourself. Nowhere can you do this more immediately, impactfully, and immaculately than in relationships. In fact, without ties, you cannot do it at all. 

It is only through your relationships with your people, places, and event that you can even exist as a knowable quantity as an identifiable something.

 

Remember, absent everything else, you are not!

You only are what you are relative to the thing that it is not! 

Once you clearly understand this, once you deeply grasp this—then you intuitively bless each and every experience, all human encounter and especially personal human relationships for you see them as constructive in the higher sense, you know that they can be used, must be used, are being used, whether you want it or not, to construct who you really are!

And who you really are, is me–a pillar of infinite abundance, joy, peace, and love.”

 

 

 

Are you underappreciated in your life?

Are you dealing with verbal abuse daily?

Is society criticizing you for being different?

Are your parents forcing you to be a certain way?

Visit and subscribe to my personal website at http://nilanjanahaldar.com/, and you will be fed with weekly tips that will help you heal these faster than ever before.

 

Author Biography: I am Nilanjana Haldar. Apart from being an author of my first book Quiet Screams to the Quiet Healer. I am also a poetess, short story writer. I hail from a small corner of West Bengal in India. Writing defines me. I have spent seven and a half years in medicine, and yet writing is my number one. I have traveled from West Bengal to Chandigarh to Delhi, and I eventually figured that I was tremendously desirous of expressing my creative self in words. I write poetry for pleasure, publish them online, fill up notebooks of them or gift them to friends.

 

 

 

 

“There are no victims in the universe, only creators.”

–Neale Donald Walsh, best-selling author of Conversations With God.

 

 

 

Stop being a victim in your life

Stand you for yourself

But learn to see your abuser as a teacher

Walk away from him when you are ready

But continue to remember who you really are

It is the energy of your soul that will help foster the surroundings you deserve

If you stay stuck in your mind, you will harbor a feeling of fear all your life

Instead, if you go deep inside your soul, you will see you are boundless, you don’t need any protection

Now that you are aware, take responsibility for your life